Out of Control

Fists clenched. Teeth gritted. Pride up. Guard down. 

Prayers left unanswered or answered with a NO. So I’ll go my own way. Do my own thing because I got this. 

Oh yeah, and God, can You bless me where I go today?

Heavy burdens. Weary mind. Tired of trying. Ready to fall. 

I’ve got to try harder. Can’t give up now. Keep doing my thing because my way will work.

God? Still waiting for Your blessing….

Something’s gotta give. This pit is too deep. This tunnel’s too dark. How did I get here and when will I get out?

GOD!! I asked You to bless me and this is Your answer? You’ve left me alone. Lost in the dark. I need You. Where are You? Are You there?

I AM where I have always been. Right here beside you. Patiently waiting for you to stop wandering. Cease struggling. Start trusting Me, not you. Lay down your need to control. The need for perfection. 

Where there is perfection, there is no need for My grace. 

Where every detail is orchestrated by you, there is no room for My Spirit to lead and move. 

Where you are trying to control everything, there is only legalism. 

No freedom. 

A false sense of security that will keep you lost at the bottom of the pit and stumbling in the darkest tunnel. 

Let My light shine brighter and My voice speak louder than all of the flashy, noisy distractions that you’ve allowed to lead you away.

Cast your cares at My feet. I care enough for you to want to ease your burden.

Put your worries in My hands. I am able to carry the load that was never yours to bear.

Stop your constant striving. 

Breathe. 

Rest. 

Heal. 

Live. 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. – John 10:10

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:28-30

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Resolve to Live

12/31/16. Last day of 2016. Looking back over the last 365 days and looking forward to the next 365 days. Thinking about my New Year’s resolutions and whether it’s even worth it or not. Thinking about how to hold on to all that I so desperately need to bring with me into 2017 and trying to figure out how to let go of everything holding me back that I somehow keep dragging with me. 

My resolutions for 2017 pretty much look like the same ones I’ve set every year:

  1. Read my Bible and pray more
  2. Lose weight
  3. Be a better Mom

There’s something so hopeless about striving for the same thing year after year and feeling like every time you look back you’re no closer to where you wanted to be than when you started. I ask myself the same question that I just can’t seem to figure out — why do I keep letting go of what I’ve promised to hold tightly to just to find myself clinging to an empty imitation of really living?

I’m sitting here crying over time wasted, mistakes made & words spoken (yelled) that I can never take back. Even as I’m writing this, I’m interrupted by someone asking me to watch them dance and another someone wanting me to see what their toy can do. And I say, “Not now! Can’t you see I’m doing something?”

I hear a voice in my head say, “Resolutions are not met by writing them on paper. Be what you have resolved to be.”

I set my pin down and apologize (again) that Mom doesn’t get it right as much as she should. And I ask the dancer to dance. And I tell the little one I would love to see her toy. And I pray that as they grow they will not just see all the places I’m weak and all the ways I blow it every day but they would see a woman with brokenness and insecurities in desperate need of her Savior, who kept persevering and kept trying to get it right no matter how many times she foolishly let go of what matters most. 

This New Year’s Eve I won’t just be setting goals and making resolutions but I’m resolving to be the woman God has called me to be. A woman after His heart and His purpose for my life. A woman who wants to be healthier so she chooses to live healthier. A woman that is already the exact Mom for these girls that God knew they would need. A woman who struggles with being validated, accepted, liked and seen by every single person she meets on this journey but who is learning to rest in the validation, acceptance and love of a God who knows her deeply, sees her fully and in His faithfulness has promised to hold tightly to her…regardless of what was or wasn’t accomplished in 2016.

Another fresh start is on the horizon and I want to make the most of the time I have been given. I resolve to live.