I’ve been in a funk yesterday and today. Yesterday I was irritable, agitated and easily frustrated all morning into the afternoon for no reason that I could put my finger on. Everything was getting under my skin.
I left in the afternoon to go to the library to do some studying and journaling on a writing project that God and I have been working on together the last few weeks. All of the stuff God was showing me and reminding me in my writing time at the library was so powerful. Life changing truths and reminders of how faithful God was and is and will be.
As I was finishing up, I thought, I wonder if this funk is the enemy’s way of trying to intercept and prevent me from digging into God’s Word. I had been trying to write and study all morning at home but the interruptions and constant annoyances were so distracting and frustrating.
I felt better knowing as I left the library that I didn’t let the enemy have the final say and I thought my attitude would fall into line. It didn’t.
The rest of the evening and into today I was still struggling with this cloud hanging over my head. I had been trying to pinpoint the cause of this mood since yesterday morning. I had been praying and asking God to give me wisdom but nothing was coming to mind. I took some time this afternoon to really sit with my feelings for a longer amount of time instead of just offering up a 2 second prayer then rushing on to the next thought.
As I sat and tried to examine what I was feeling, I started to notice a feeling of sadness in my chest that felt like a physical aching. I asked God to tell me what I was feeling or if maybe I was just going crazy. I sat in silence and almost immediately my thoughts went to how selfishly I had treated my family yesterday and this morning in response to my agitation. It was like watching a video playback all my words and actions. I could see how I’d let my emotions drive me and I was filled with regret.
Through bawling tears I asked God to forgive me and to take my selfishness and my irritation. To take them and replace them with more of Him, His grace, His love.
As I was praying, the song “Build My Life” was playing and God used some of the lyrics to speak to me:
I will build my life upon Your love * It is a firm foundation * I will put my trust in You alone * I will not be shaken
As soon as the words “a firm foundation” hit my ears, I was reminded of my own blog [A House God (Re)Built] I just shared last week about how God has been re-building and re-making me. Renovating me on a new foundation. On His foundation.
How quickly I forget Who is doing the work and I start picking up the scraps and debris of what God has already torn down. I try to take over the process by trying to put the pieces back together on the trash heap of my old busted up foundation.
He is the only stable foundation. Everything else is shifting sand. He is my only safe place. My refuge and my strength. I need Him every minute of every day. I put my trust in Him alone and I am not shaken.
About the time I’d worked through all of that in my head and in my journal, the song “Faithful to the End” was playing. My favorite part is:
There wasn’t a day that You weren’t by my side * There wasn’t a day that You let me fall * All of my life Your love has been true * All of my life I will worship You
And then I love how they change the words to say:
There won’t be a day that You aren’t by my side * There won’t be a day that You’ll let me fall * All of my life Your love will be true * All of my life we will worship You
It reminds me that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Beth Moore always says…God was, God is, God is yet to come and the “God is” would be who God is currently in the present. Right now. Today.
He is currently by my side.
He is currently not letting me fall.
His love is currently true in my life.
He is currently worthy of my worship with all of my life.
He is currently my firm foundation.
Today. Right now.
There’s no room for emotional funks or spiritual amnesia when I remember how much God has saved me from. Or when I think about how easy it is to slip back in to the old ways of feeling dread and despair.
I’m praying that God keeps me tender to His gentle tug on my heart when I start to stray away. When I start to pick up the pieces He’s already removed. I don’t ever want to wander as far away as I have in the past, where I find myself teetering on the edge of that old familiar dark pit. It would be so easy to fall back into the trash heap with the scraps and debris of all the old ways God has freed me and is currently freeing me from today.
I much more prefer the freedom of walking in the security of God’s love right by His side. A phrase I have picked up somewhere over the past few months of my counseling journey (or maybe I made it up?) is that I want to walk free and live loved. This has truly become words to live by for me.
How about you? What does it look like to you to walk free and live loved? How is God showing up currently in your life, right now, today?
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