This week I’ve been wrestling with asking for and accepting help. Why is it so hard?
Last week, I briefly mentioned the flooding we’ve experienced in our home. We were in crisis mode and if we needed something, there was a plethora of people willing to step up. I had no problems asking for help last week.
This week we’re in whatever comes after crisis mode. Everyone has gone back to their regularly scheduled programming but we’re still in the thick of it. We’ve dried out, cleaned up and started working on repairs but there are still slightly soggy things to deal with.
We’re coordinating with all of the workers to finish the mitigation, work on the repairs and replace damaged equipment. We’re working with insurance adjusters to get our claims settled and trying not to worry about how much exactly they’re going to cover. We’re taking cold showers because we have no hot water. We’re navigating big feelings within ourselves and our kids. We’re struggling with how to move forward in a house that keeps sucking the life out of us. My dizziness has also flared up A LOT from all of the work we had to do last week along with the stress and not being able to sleep. So, not only emotionally and mentally exhausted but physically struggling as well.
We’re doing our best but we can’t do it alone. This is what my rational mind is telling me. The irrational part of my mind is saying not only can you do it alone but you SHOULD do it alone. You should be able to handle all of these things by yourself. You’re a weak-minded loser if you can’t. And if you do accept help, you better feel guilty about it.
I don’t want to be a burden on anyone or give anyone a reason to be upset with me. I don’t want to create problems for other people. I don’t want to be an inconvenience.
In my head, I’m hearing: stay small. Stay as small as possible. Take up as little space as you can.
I don’t want to need help. I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want to appear helpless or weak. I don’t want anyone to see me struggling but I’m also upset when I think no one sees me struggling.
How would I expect anyone to know I’m struggling if I don’t let them see me struggling?
How do I get over wanting to be invisible and seen at the same time? Why does it matter so much that I appear to have everything figured out? Why do I think I’m less than if I need help?
And now we circle back to one of my big God struggles. Being self-reliant vs. God-reliant. This isn’t exactly the same but the same underlying issues are at play when I’d rather be self-reliant than ask for help just to keep from being vulnerable or transparent.
From what I’ve learned in therapy, I know this is a coping mechanism to protect myself and this has become part of my identity.
If I take on all the things, I’m valuable. If I’m reliable and strong, I’m important. If I’m super helpful to other people, I’m useful and necessary.
Needing to be needed.
But also needing to not need anyone else.
The house may be dried out but these slightly soggy thoughts just keep drip…drip…dripping.
If you found this post encouraging, please feel free to share and please leave a comment below! I would love to hear what you think!
Click here to check out what else I’ve been writing!
Shining His Light 