Strings of Strength

“You are disappointed that your expectation wasn’t met but your expectation wasn’t what I had in mind. You are looking for relief and I am working to restore.”

August 16:

As some of you know, for the past 4 years I have struggled with 2 – 3 months of dizziness every time I’ve been on a road trip or traveled in the car for more than about an hour or so. This has been an exhausting and frustrating situation filled with doctor’s appointments, prescriptions, suggestions, advice, prayers and so many tears.

If you’ve ever been dizzy you know how disorienting and debilitating it can be. To navigate life for months at a time while feeling constantly imbalanced and unstable has been hard. There has been depression, anger, confusion, self pity and hopelessness as I have tried to find relief for the dizziness but also answers as to why this keeps happening.

The “answers” have ranged from fluid in the ears, sinusitis, chronic eustachian dysfunction and extreme motion sickness. The treatment: pills and prayers that this would finally be the thing that helps. But none of that ever felt like it was getting down to the actual issue.

On July 1st, my husband and I drove to Pigeon Forge, TN for a 5 day kid-free getaway. I was grateful for the time together, the experiences we shared, the memories we made but I was absolutely miserable for most of it. Dizzy, nauseous, unstable and still trying to make the most of the time we had together.

When we returned home I started my litany of google searches, requests for prayers and made an appointment with an ENT who wrote me 3 prescriptions and sent me on my way. No hard feelings because it’s just what they do. But I no longer felt willing to accept this as the answer. Not to mention the medication he put me on made the dizziness worse but I digress…

A few weeks ago I stumbled upon an office that specializes in assessing, diagnosing and treating dizziness and balance disorders. Their testing and treatment is so specialized it’s only done by a handful of doctors across the country. I was grateful that this office was only 20 minutes away from me. I scheduled an assessment and then prayed hard that this would finally be the thing that helps.

After my assessment, I was diagnosed with Otolith Dysfunction in my right ear and Vestibular Migraines. I was set up on a home program 5 days a week, twice a day combined with treatment sessions 2 times a week in the office. I’m told I should see some improvement after the first week and significant improvement after 3 weeks.

I’m 4 days in as I’m writing this and the only changes so far are that the treatments are making the dizziness worse. Being extremely dizzy while trying to be a fully functioning adult with a full time job, 2 kids, and a husband while constantly feeling off balance and unstable is exhausting to say the least but I finally have hope that I have found the relief and answers I’ve been looking for.

With all of the changes I’ve made over the last 2 years in my journey to finding a healthier me (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically) I couldn’t help but connect this physical imbalance to imbalances of the heart, mind and spirit.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in recovery (and am still learning) is about balance. All or nothing thinking no longer serves me very well and God is constantly having to reach out His hand to steady me as I find myself tipping or falling too far in one direction or another.

September 9:

Still doing treatment appointments and my home exercise program. Still having times of increased dizziness. I feel like I’ve been tired, worn out and running on empty for so long that I might not remember what normal feels like if I ever get back around to it.

I keep thinking about balance with this current bout of dizziness. Everything feels thin in this season: my patience, my effort, my recovery.

And yet, I’m still surviving. Still standing.

I’m picturing myself with strings attached to my back that extend up into the sky as far as the eye can see.

Strings of strength.

Strength that’s not my own. Holding me up. Steadying me. Carrying me. Moving me forward. It makes me grateful to know I don’t have to carry myself or get myself through this on my own. I don’t know where I’d be without God and His unending ability to see me through.

September 13:

Treatments, home exercise, dizziness. All the same. Still working the weakened area and still triggering the dizziness every day with the work I’m doing. I was expecting to be feeling better by now. Still waiting for that to happen.

What is it they say about expectation? That it’s the #1 cause of disappointment. Or something like that but that’s been so true for my struggle with the dizziness. I expected to start this treatment plan and to start feeling better. I didn’t realize the treatment would cause the dizziness to get worse. My doctor says that I’m working an area that is weak and it’s just like going to the gym – your muscles are sore and tired after you work out. Then you start working a different area and that becomes sore and tired too. The same is true of this except dizzy, not sore and tired.

But the expectation I had was one of finding relief when I found this specialist. Like stumbling upon a cool stream after wandering in the dry, hot sun.

You step into the waters looking for respite but as soon as you start wading out into the deep, the current knocks you off your feet and whisks you downstream. And you’re thinking, “All I wanted was some rest and now I’m fighting to keep my head above water.”

Expectation and disappointment.

I know the work I’m doing with these appointments and exercises should benefit me in the long run to hopefully eliminate or lessen the dizziness on future car trips but I was hoping to have already found the relief I was looking for.

So here I am flailing downstream when what I asked for was a refreshing dip in the cool water.

And I hear God saying, “A refreshing dip in the cool stream is a temporary respite. You are disappointed that your expectation wasn’t met but your expectation wasn’t what I had in mind. You are looking for relief and I am working to restore. Restoration and transformation requires trust in the process and trust in the One who restores. That is Me, not you. I brought you to this cool stream, not for rest and relief but for repair and reconstruction. The strings of strength have not been snipped. You are not alone and you are ok. Just float. I will get you where you need to be.


If you found this post encouraging, please feel free to share and please leave a comment below! I would love to hear what you think!

Click here to check out what else I’ve been writing!

ICYMI: Weekly Dose of Hope!

May 11 – May 17 Daily Dose of Hope videos

Did you miss any of the Daily Dose of Hope videos for the week of May 11th on YouTube? Here’s what was shared:

May 11 – Best Gift Ever: sharing thoughts on what I’d gained in the first few months of recovery from food addiction.

May 12 – Subtle Sunset: thoughts about hearing God’s whisper and listening for His voice in the midst of hardship.

May 14 – Heart in the Clouds: thoughts on how God speaks when we think He’s being silent in our struggle.

May 16 – One Light in the Line of Faith: thoughts on where we’re at in the line of faith and using our gifts where ever God’s placed us to shine His light.

May 17 – If I Knew Then: what I would say to the me I was 20 years ago about herself and her marriage.


I’m so grateful for each of you that has given me feedback on how helpful these videos have been to you. I’m grateful that God is using my story and the words He has placed on my heart to impact even one person. I’m excited to see what He has in store and I’m glad you’re on this journey with me!

ICYMI: Weekly Dose of Hope!

May 3 – May 9 Daily Dose of Hope videos

Did you miss any of the Daily Dose of Hope videos for the week of May 3rd on YouTube? Here’s what was shared:

May 3 – Toxic Friends: encouragement for breaking away from our toxic relationship with anything or anyone that separates us from total dependency on God.

May 4 – Spit in my Life: sharing thoughts on Mark 8:22-26 and Jesus’ use of spit to heal blindness then and now.

May 5 – Filled Up and Poured Out: sharing thoughts about the mystery of needing each other but only being able to connect effectively by relying on God to fill us up and pour us out.

May 6 – Paper and Purpose: how writer’s block turned into a small life lesson on allowing God to write His story on the blank page of my life.

May 7 – Live Like You’re Alive: encouragement from my own experience of choosing to no longer live like I was dead in a tomb of insecurity, shame and lies. The tomb is for the dead and we are that no longer!

May 8 – Act As If: sharing thoughts on applying the recovery concept of “Act As If” combined with truth from God’s Word to step out of the paralysis of fear and anxiety.

May 9 – Grieving Into New Life: thoughts on grieving the old me as I was being transformed into the new me at the beginning of my recovery journey.

May 10 – Stones From My Mother: reading a blog I wrote for my Mom on Mother’s Day a few years ago. Sharing some unexpected emotions on the healing and grace I’ve been given in my relationship with my Mom and my daughters.


I’m so grateful for each of you that has given me feedback on how helpful these videos have been to you. I’m grateful that God is using my story and the words He has placed on my heart to impact even one person. I’m excited to see what He has in store and I’m glad you’re on this journey with me!

More to Learn

Making more discoveries on this journey of learning and growing…

One indication of maturity is the ability to consider the opinions of others. However, somewhere along the line in my alcoholic upbringing, I developed the idea that what I believed to be true was always rights. My way was the way to think. Such black-and-white perception didn’t allow me to hear, let alone consider, different viewpoints. My intolerance was rooted in two of my main character defects – fear and insecurity. My opinions were inseperable from my self image. If my opinions were wrong, I was wrong. If my philosophy wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t good enough.

Hope for Today, April 21st

In the last 2 years I have worked hard to surrender fear and insecurity. Especially where other people’s opinions come into play. This has transformed a lot of my relationships and given me the ability to detach emotionally from other people’s words. Since people-pleasing has been so
ingrained in me, this process has been and still is a hard one. Being able to separate someone else’s words and actions from what I know to be true about me has been huge.

Continue reading “More to Learn”

Day 1 – New Abstinence

Beginning a new leg on my recovery journey…

May 1, 2020 would have been 2 years of abstinence from food addiction for me if I had stayed abstinent but today (April 30, 2020) is Day 1 of a new abstinence for me.

This post is straight from my journal this morning…

Continue reading “Day 1 – New Abstinence”

Daily Dose of Hope on YouTube!

An update on my Daily Dose of Hope videos!

Hi family, friends and followers!

As you may or may not know, I’ve been recording videos every day for the last month to share encouragement and spread hope. I’ve decided to continue recording these videos but I will no longer be posting them on my blog. I’ve added all of the past videos to my YouTube page and will be adding a new video every day.

If these videos have been encouraging or helpful to you and you would like to continue receiving these, please click the link below to watch my Introduction video on YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to my YouTube page and make sure your notifications are on so you won’t miss any of the videos I’ll be adding!

YouTube Introduction video: Daily Dose of Hope – The Journey Begins

I’m so grateful for each of you that has given me feedback on how helpful these videos have been to you. I’m grateful that God is using my story and the words He has placed on my heart to impact even one person. I’m excited to see what He has in store and I’m glad you’re on this journey with me!

Saturday 4/25 Daily Dose of Hope

Learning how to lay down the shovel and walk away.

I recently started sharing videos on Facebook of me reading a devotional that was encouraging to me or previous blogs I’ve written. I thought it would be good to share it here as well to try and encourage as many people as possible. I’m calling these videos a “Daily Dose of Hope” and I will be sharing a new one every day. I’m praying they’re an encouragement to you!


Click here for the Saturday 4/25 Daily Dose of Hope on my Facebook page. In this video I read from my blog on Psalm 7 “Navigating Hurt with Humility” … here’s a little snippet:

“As I was processing all of my feelings, God reminded me of what He’s been teaching me about Emotional Dependency. I’ve been asking this particular situation to answer these questions: Am I loveable? Am I worthy? Am I good enough? And God reminded me…again…the answer can’t come from this situation, or from a person or from any relationship. People and situations are shifting sands. Always changing. God is the only unchanging one.”

Friday 4/24 Daily Dose of Hope

You are the apple of God’s eye. You are at the center of His focus. He is watching over you and all that you’re going through.

Click here for the Friday 4/24 Daily Dose of Hope on my Facebook page. In this video I read from my blog on Psalm 17 “The Apple of His Eye” … here’s a little snippet:

“The phrase “apple of the eye” originally referred to the pupil or the center of the eye. If someone is keeping a close, watchful eye on something, they have their eyes front and center, completely focused. That is how God looks on us. He doesn’t give us a distracted, quick glance out of the corner of His eye while He’s working on something else. He gives us His full attention. Like the eagle fluttering over its young, spreading out its wings. We are the apple of His eye. Worthy of His protection and His care.”

Continue reading “Friday 4/24 Daily Dose of Hope”