My Times Are In Your Hands (Thoughts from the River – Part 2)

If you missed Thoughts from the River Part 1, read it here.

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Rain Drop Cabin ~ Tuscumbia, MO ~ 10/9/2022

9:02am

Packing up to go home. Flipping through my journal to put away some loose pages that I’d taken out yesterday and I landed on a journal entry from 8/20/22. I paused to skim over what I had written in that entry because 8/20/22 was the day before a very significant event took place in my family. 10/9/22 Emily was interested in what 8/20/22 Emily had to say on the day before one of the scariest events of my life happened.

The 8/20/22 journal entry was a lot about my health. Dizziness, chronic illness, etc. I had started a chronic illness devotional and had written out Psalm 31 that had been referenced in the devotional. In writing out Psalm 31, I had drawn stars next to the verses that were speaking to me at the time. These are two of the verses that I’d had starred:

"But I trust in You, O Lord;
I say, 'You are my God.'
My times are in your hands,
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me."
-Psalm 31:14-15

I don’t remember carrying these specific words with me through the days that followed that journal entry on 8/20/22 and I had actually forgotten about these verses until just now – but I feel like that seed of trust and surrender was planted on 8/20/22 before I even knew what 8/21/22 would bring.

Another reminder of how God has carried me and sustained me.

“My times are in your hands” also reminds me of the days following when my Grandma Mac died back in 2000. Even though I’m sure I’d heard that phrase before, it was the first time it was said when my times felt completely unraveled, unglued and undone.

I can’t remember exactly where we were, maybe at the funeral home and somebody asked my Grandpa how he was doing and he said God had reminded him with Psalm 31:15 in his Daily Bread reading that “my times are in your hands” and because of that he knew he’d be ok.

I really love that visual of me and my life being in God’s hands. Ever since that day, every time I picture that it brings me comfort.

I want to hold tighter to that truth and the promise of God’s tender care. I want to remember in hard times and not so hard times that I’m held. That God is carrying me.

For all of my struggle with my need to figure everything out for myself, I still see the little girl inside of me that just wants to be held and carried and loved.

My times are in Your hands, God. I trust You with today and I trust that You will be waiting for me in tomorrow just as You are here with me now.

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10:51am

So… the restful, relaxing weekend comes to a close with me packing up the van to drive home only to find out my back tire is completely flat. Had to call someone to come tow the van because I don’t have a spare tire and Jason is driving out here to come pick me up to bring me home. This can’t be real life, right?

So very frustrating. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes crying so hard. The unfairness of it all. Why would this happen right at the end of having such an amazing weekend. Add it to the list of things I’m pissed off about with how life has been going.

But then my grateful mindset from yesterday kicked in. At least the flat tire didn’t happen on the side of the road. I’m still able to get into the cabin I’ve been at all weekend while I wait for Jason to come pick me up. I have a bathroom. I can charge my phone. I just made some coffee and I’m about to eat a muffin. #BLESSED

My times are in Your hands.

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St. Peters, MO 10/10/22

8:30am

Thinking through everything that happened over the weekend. Specifically with ending my weekend with such a frustrating situation. One of the things that has been really tripping me up lately is how the last 3 times I’ve had these big moments of surrender it seems like there’s almost always something hard or frustrating that happens immediately afterwards.

I’m thinking back to July when I felt like I’d finally come to the place that I could surrender and trust God with my health after 7-8 months of feeling resentful, angry and depressed. I felt like I was finally getting back into a good place and then our basement flooded.

Then my journal entry on 8/20/22 was me marking another moment of surrender/trust. Telling God I don’t know why life is going the way it’s going but I want to trust You and then 8/21/22 started another hard and stressful time in our lives.

And then this weekend. All of the things that I felt like God was speaking to my heart. All of the things I felt like I was taking away from this time by myself and to end it on a flat tire….

It now occurs to me that my surrender is contingent on things going my way.

I struggle and resist when hard things happen. Then when I’m finally ready to surrender, I think that’s the key to things getting easier. So then when something bad/hard/stressful comes immediately following the surrender my response is:

“But I thought we were good? I surrendered! So what’s this about??”

I see now how manipulative that is. As if I’m offering God my surrender as a bargaining tool. As if my surrender is powerful enough to change God’s plan and purpose for my life.

How unbelievably prideful….

Without being overly dramatic, I feel like this has given me a new outlook on life.

I feel like I’ve been offering my trust and surrender to God as if they are a get out of jail free card. I feel like the flat tire yesterday solidified that whether you’re surrendered or not, there will still be hard things to go through.

The question I’m asking myself now is am I going to navigate the hard things surrendered or resistant?

I’ve always told myself “I can do hard things” as a way of giving myself encouragement to get through hard times but maybe the new outlook is “I can do hard things and not fall apart”…

Maybe this is the shift from just surviving, to thriving.

I’ve always felt like when people say that they must have gotten through all their hard times so now they’re done with just surviving and now they can thrive.

But now, I can see it’s possible to have hard/frustrating/stressful times and still thrive.

How?

My times are in Your hands.