About a month ago, I randomly started listening to the Casting Crowns’ album “Only Jesus” and came across 4 songs that God used to speak to my heart. This is the first blog in what I’m calling my Only Jesus series. This blog is about the song “Even When You’re Running” which I have linked so you can listen. Here are the lyrics:
Do you feel Him in your heartbeat Even when you're running? You try to drown Him out With your life but you still hear Him calling With a voice you never heard But it sounds like home You try to shut it out But you feel it in your bones And won't leave you alone His love isn't escapable His presence isn't shakable Right now you don't believe it's true A better day is coming And you don't need another place to hide He'll find you in your darkest night His love is holding on to you Even when you're running Even when you're running As a kid you said your prayers Now they're bouncing off the ceiling But took your world away When you trusted Him for healing He's no stranger to your heartbreak He knows how it feels to lose From the garden to the cross He's been chasing after you He's chasing after you His love is inescapable His presence is unshakable Right now you don't believe it's true A better day is coming And you don't need another place to hide He'll find you in your darkest night His love is holding on to you Even when you're running Even when you're running Your fear isn't dark enough Your pit isn't deep enough Your lie isn't loud enough To keep Him away from you The Father made the way for you The Son killed the grave for you Let the spirit come alive in you Are you tired of the running? His love is inescapable His presence is unshakable Right now you don't believe it's true A better day is coming And you don't need another place to hide He'll find you in your darkest night His love is holding on to you Even when you're running Even when you're running It's time to stop running now You don't have to have it figured out All you need to do is turn around And the Father will come running
When I heard this song for the first time last month, I distinctly remember thinking to myself:
I am a runner. It’s what I’ve always done. Why do I do this?
I immediately started thinking about all the ways I’ve runaway in my life. Like the time I literally ran away when I was a teenager. Or when I dropped out of high school twice because I didn’t know how to cope with how overwhelmed I was with life. As an adult, it’s a little harder to run away or drop out but I can see how I’ve used isolation and mentally checking out as a coping mechanism.
When life is hard, it’s easier to just shut down and shut everyone out. Including my family and friends but also God.
This is something that He has been showing me about myself recently and as I listened to the words of this song, I felt God saying to me:
You’re worth being pursued.
But you don’t have to run.
You don’t have to shut Me out.
Stay.
Let’s work it out together.
I’ve been rolling these words over and over in my head lately. Over the past couple of weeks we’ve been dealing with the flooded basement that I mentioned in my last post and I’ve found myself telling God, “I want to trust You. I want to stay. Help me stay. I don’t want to keep running. Help me to trust You.”
It feels so basic but it’s helping.
This week I’ve been feeling the weight of my health journey settling heavily onto my shoulders and into my heart. I keep hearing this thought in my mind:
It’s time you accept that you have a chronic illness that is going to be with you for now and maybe forever.
As I’m trying to process this, I can see how I’ve cycled through the 5 stages of grief over the last 10 months:
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
I keep going back to this song “Even When You’re Running” because when I think about how much I’ve struggled with this dizziness. How debilitating it’s been. How much it’s changed what my every day life looks like. How it’s exhausted me and worn me down…. I still don’t want to accept it.
I want to run away and shut down so badly but I keep hearing God say:
Stay. Let’s work it out together.
This feels unfair. I don’t want this to be what my life looks like right now. I didn’t ask for this.
Maybe you can relate? Maybe it’s not your health. It could be your marriage, an addiction (yours or someone else’s), the loss of a parent, the loss of a child. It could be anything. I know I’m not the only one struggling with something this big.
I’m trying to figure out how to stop being resentful and angry. To move onto learning how to accept this. To willingly allow God to use this thing in my life for whatever reason it’s been put here.
If I stay stuck in the unfairness of it, I think I’m going to miss whatever blessings and lessons might be found in this.
If I’m being honest, I don’t want to look for anything positive but the alternative is sucking the literal life out of me.
And maybe there’s someone out there struggling like I am that I could help just by not giving up and not giving in to all of the negative stuff that keeps overwhelming me.
The only way I know to move forward in this is Jesus. Only Jesus.
Only Jesus – even when I’m running.
Only Jesus – when I’m trying to stay.
Only Jesus – when I’m trying to trust, surrender, accept.
Only Jesus – when I feel invisible and forgotten.
Only Jesus – when I’m trying to find hope.
Only Jesus – when I feel like giving up.
Only Jesus.
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Shining His Light 